Southern Legitimacy Statement: Tom C. Hunley has lived and worked in Bowling Green, KY, since 2003. He and his wife of twenty-eight years have four amazing kids. Right or wrong, he believes he has impeccable taste when it comes to literature, film, music, and the woman who has his whole heart. He seriously lacks inner resources, and he’s almost certain that his liver is diseased. He despises generative AI, groupthink, the tortured language of propaganda, big government, and bloated bureaucracies, especially in universities.
The most beautiful woman you know friendzoned you because you were deadass broke and looked like Shrek. Before her dates, she’d hold up two outfits and you’d lie, “This one looks better” while secretly fantasizing about tearing the other one off of her.
Once, while she cried on your shoulder about being stood up, the lavender/mint scent of her hair emboldened you, and you asked her out. “I love you, but not that way,” she said, laughing through her tears. “I wouldn’t date you if we were the last two people on earth,” she said, but the genie of that place, distracted and inattentive like a bad boyfriend, thought she said “I wish we were the last two people on earth” and an asteroid or comet crashed into the earth, killing everyone but you two.
True to her word, she wouldn’t go out with you. She imagined a new boyfriend – Chad – whom she described as a handsome, rich rebel with whom she could see herself repopulating the earth. When she complained that Chad refused to watch her favorite musical with her, you said “I don’t approve of Chad.”
She said “You haven’t met Chad,” put on her best earrings, and opened the door.
“Chad,” you said to the empty hallway, “if you hurt her, I’ll straight-up kick your ass.” She patted your head and laughed, and you imagined Chad laughing with her. She spent more and more time with Chad while you went insane from writing poetry in isolation. You told the genie of that place that you wished you could change places with Chad. Now you don’t exist, but at least she won’t return Chad’s calls now that he’s insane, deadass broke, and looks like Shrek.
A Time Traveling Caveman Takes a Temp Job at United Parcel Service
First, they trained me to cover my feet with animal skins with a silver bone inside so if something heavy falls or someone steps on my toes I won’t see flashes of sunset or take the sky god’s name in vain. Dusty brown boxes roll from a black rubber lake onto silver tubes and then into this big cave on wheels, nice black ones that smell smoky and screech after the cave, filled from ground to ceiling, rolls away.
But then, screech, another cave rolls up to the silver tubes and a weirdly beardless man wearing a rope that strangles his neck tells me to load faster, so I flail my arms as if fighting a mastodon to the death before dragging it back to my cave to eat, and I am so tired and hungry, my beard dripping sweat.
A horn blasts and everyone curls their lips up and reveals their teeth in a show of submission to the blower of the horn and stops stacking boxes in wheeled caves and everyone marches to a “break room” though nothing’s broken but everyone’s spirits and their connection to the million-noted creatures of the forest. Some workers put silver circles and green leaves into a machine that spits out food but I can only look at the food and I see my image there as if looking into a pool of water. I need to shave if I’m to fit in and I need silver circles or green leaves if I’m ever going to make my stomach stop growling like one of the misshapen little wolves that everyone has in their homes now.
The Fall (Sigmund Freud)
Now in his dreams, the serpent, Sigmund Freud, was more crafty and more sexually potent than any of the other beasts of the field that the Lord God had made.
He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman stretched out on her couch and said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. You are merely crushed by interdictions, and you need to be set free from the judgments of others.” So the woman said “What others?” To which the serpent said “God and the angels, you hysterical dummy.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to free one of guilt, seeing it as subjective, seeing that she could weaken the guilt by analyzing it, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that God wanted to keep them under His power and influence, not to mention keeping them naked due to some weird fixation on his God Mother. And they sewed fig leaves together, made themselves loincloths, and the man did smoke the world’s first cigar, which frightened the woman, much the way the serpent had.
The Fall (Franz Kafka)
Now the huge dung beetle was more depressed and full of existential dread than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made.
The dung beetle said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden?’” And the woman said to the dung beetle, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the dung beetle said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will see God as a faceless, oppressive government accusing you of crimes that you can’t remember, forcing you to fill out endless paperwork to try to prove your innocence, and at some point, if you’re like me, you’ll think ‘Maybe I really am guilty of something, for I do feel a good deal of guilt and shame’, at which point one of God’s angels, really just a low-level bureaucrat, will stab you with a gleaming knife, and you will die like a dog.” So the woman asked “What does it mean to die?” and the dung beetle explained, and she asked “What is a dog?” and the dung beetle explained.
So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then both felt guilt and shame, but weren’t sure of what, and they proceeded to bury themselves in paperwork, which made them increasingly confused, afraid, and despondent.
Now the serpent, Karl Marx, was revolting, more revolting than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He lay in the dirt digesting his massive meal, which he had eaten whole – you could see it outlined on his big belly.
He woke and said unto the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden?’” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. You will unite in class consciousness against your oppressive God. There is no truth: only power.” So when the woman saw that the fruit was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. Once her husband woke, he ate. Then they seized the means of production, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths, which they did not need to buy from anyone.
And these two comrades heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day like some kind of bourgeoisie bossman making the rounds at a factory, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you going?” And he said, “Forward!”
