Southern Legitimacy Statement: I was born and raised in Missouri and now live (very, very) close to Atlanta. With the exception of college, I have spent my entire life in the South.
As per the recent changes in campaign laws stemming from the recent 2043, 9-to-6 SCOTUS ruling, all political ads must now be in the form of a question and answer session with the candidate under the influence of truth serum. Each candidate will be asked a maximum of ten questions and each candidate must answer them, in full, truthfully.
The first television advertisement tonight is for the incumbent Senator from the State of Georgia, Gabriel Jotack. He has already been under the influence of the truth serum for nearly five minutes and has signaled his readiness to begin answering questions.
The first question, Senator, why is there no accountability of the tax money spent?
“That answer is obvious. Congress pays small lip service to accountability because in doing so, they cannot maintain their 98% re-election rate. We, and I refer to all politicians, are in this for ourselves. Political parties divide the electorate, but not the elected. It is all for show how much we hate each other. We reap the sweat from the brow of those who work and divide the largess into our individual coffers. The numbers are always skewed to the pleas of more taxation, more control. We (the politicians) are the elites and the only ones, if properly funded, can solve the myriad of problems we create. I truly am surprised we have been able to loot the treasury for as long as we have.”
Is Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid currently funded?
“All three are Ponzi Schemes supported by massive immigration to bolster the ratios of those paying in to those pulling out. We spent the previous sums years ago and continue to this day. It is what we do best.”
Why are you running for re-election? What do you want to accomplish if re-elected?
“I knew sooner or later, you would ask two questions at once. Here are my answers. I am running for re-election to acquire a Senator’s pension and benefits that would make the remainder of my life free from the worry of actually having to work for a living. If re-elected, I will vote for any bill that minimizes my party’s chance of ever being abandoned at the polls. Politics is about control; not chance. Too much of my valuable time has been frittered away traveling in this bus, handshaking, eating greasy food, and arguing about my challenger. I have better things to do. I have to increase my war chest so as to funnel money to those who will back my agenda of total control of the taxpayer. As of now, literally trillions of dollars are earned and spent by people without Ivy League educations or a proper fashion sense. They have no clue as to where that money should go or why. It is just best for everyone if I amass a group of like minded followers to adhere to the spirit of what should be best for all. That, like many others, is my main goal in running for re-election.”
Mr. Senator, after hearing your indignant answers, answers forced to be truthful, why should anyone vote for you?
“People will vote for me because they are too scared to do anything else. If a real challenger existed, one who could make a difference, he or she would receive the most intense scrutiny from the media concerning every aspect of their lives. Night after night would be filled with hearsay and innuendo about scandals and activities that may or may not be true. This candidate would have to swim through an endless barrage of charges requiring no evidence from the accusers. The challenger would never be heard or seen without paid actors making outrageous claims of a sexual tryst or financial impropriety. Finally, wave after wave of litigation would ruin the candidate financially, smearing him forever with the stain of some involvement yet to be discovered, yet to be revealed.”
“I was bought and paid for and am only too happy to remain so. Thus, I encounter no resistance. Can you be equally similar? Are you willing to place you life and (possibly) freedom in jeopardy for the opportunity? Can you find the courage to ruin another preventing their fulfillment of goals and aspirations? In a nutshell, do you have what it takes to destroy your opposition, make a pact with the Devil, and smile to every grandmother insisting you will work day and night on her behalf to ensure a future for her grandchildren. If you are, then take the serum and step up. If not, then shut up and stop wasting my time.”
(after a long awkward pause from interviewer and audience alike)
“I am Senator Jotack and I approve of this message.”