Daniel Hybner: Fiction: June 2021


Southern Legitimacy Statement: Texas born. Texas raised. Anyone not born in Texas is a Yankee in my book. I think that about covers it.

Surely Not the Likeness

What’s the easiest way to make a city boy holler? Turn off his air conditioner.

A city boy can’t stand having his air conditioner turned off. He’ll writhe around like his skin is on fire and whine a mean streak clear to New York City. He’s got to have it a perfect 72 all day long. Heaven forbid a bead of sweat should appear on his forehead. That might be the end of him.

Take this city boy right over here. Just look at him. He’s sure hollering a lot, but he ain’t moved an inch in an hour. Told me if he moves too much, he’s gonna lose what little energy ain’t been sapped out of him yet.

A country boy is used to being in the heat for days at a time if need be. That’s not to say we don’t like our air conditioning because we do. It’s just that we ain’t gotta have it like this pretty city boy does.

Hey, city boy, you can’t handle life is what it is. So what if we ain’t got air conditioning for a few hours? Man didn’t have air conditioners at all for as long as time existed. It ain’t like God said “let there be AC” on the sixth day. No sir. To think you’ve got the image. But boy that’s all you got.

I know you don’t wanna hear no God-talk or talk about suffering for an hour or two with no AC. Far as I’m concerned, where you’re headed, ain’t no air conditioning anyway, so you might as well get used to it.

Now, don’t get all upset. I know you don’t believe all that stuff. But just because you don’t believe it don’t mean it don’t exist.

I, for one, enjoy the heat every now and again. It reminds me immensely of what I do not want. But I’ll suffer it here any time. Besides, sweating is good for you. Keeps you cool.

Give me a cool breeze on a hot day any day and I’ll take it. Not much better than nature cooling you off. It beats air conditioning any day. Any day.

Listen to him hollering again. Let city boy holler. There’s a good breeze blowing right now, and it sure carries all his hot air right away.

Me? Don’t worry about me, city boy. I’m gonna sit here a while. There’s a good breeze blowing today.